A Few Predictions for the Second Half of '05
Well, the year is half over and summer is here. We’ve had all kinds of great politics, but very little great government this year. Will the second half of 2005 bring more of the same or something completely different? We have some predictions:
• The “Gang of 14” responsible for the filibuster compromise will develop a brilliant social security reform plan. The bill, however, will fail when all 14 dealmakers are so busy offering self-congratulatory interviews that they miss the vote.
• Tom DeLay is cleared of all charges of wrongdoing. Two days later, he’s caught selling political favors in exchange for good tee times. He enters a bribe-treatment program, apologizes on Leno and becomes a frontrunner for the 2008 Republican presidential nomination.
• In an attempt to fire up the Democratic base, Howard Dean makes fun of Condoleezza Rice by appearing in black face and drag. When criticized, Dean says he sticks by his belief that Rice is in fact a black woman. A Dean/DeLay 2008 Presidential face-off is declared likely.
• Emboldened after rejecting the E.U. constitution, the French realize they’ve been governed by a bunch of elitist snobs for the last 60 years. Disgusted with themselves, the French vote to change the name of their country to Freedomlandia. However, reform efforts stall after the people elect Jerry Lewis as their next President. He turns out to be neither funny nor a good politician.
• Declared a lame duck by every paper in America, Bush decides to win back political power and announces an invasion of Qumar. When informed that Qumar is a fictional country invented by the West Wing TV show, Bush retreats to Crawford and is occasionally seen wandering his pastures at night.
• Effectively running the country, Dick Cheney fires Santa Claus and gives the Yuletide contract to Halliburton. Christmas comes in $3 trillion over-budget and six-months late. But the North Pole fuel pipeline works great.
• John McCain officially changes his name to Maverick John McCain. But asks to go by The Mav.
• Trying hard to prove she’s a Centrist. Hillary Clinton is observed mixing Coke with Pepsi. Later she acknowledges she has both Hatfield and McCoy blood. And, in her opinion, Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice should have both won.
• John Kerry announces his 2008 candidacy with the slogan “But Mommy promised I’d be President.”
• The Yellow Line is picked as Best Blog for Illiterates.